Monthly Archives: February 2011

Family/Friends

Dearest Christopher,

Well, I am not sure what inspired me to open up my drafts today, but I did. I wondered if I could handle this one. I opened it. I am not sorry that I did. But, it saddens me. I had written this letter to him near the end of January 2009, about a month before he died. I fucking miss him. I miss being able to call him and hear his sexy voice, his infectious laugh, his empathy for whatever I was dealing with. I am so grateful though, knowing that I can now ‘call’ him anytime, any day. I know he is with me when I need to feel support and love, to not feel so alone, to feel courage to do what needs to be done. So, in posting this, I also send out a prayer to everyone who knew him and was blessed to have him in their lives, for whatever amount of time. And a reminder…

Do what you need to do. Say what you need to say. Death happens, every day. Appreciate life in the meantime, yours and those around you.

Dearest Christopher,

I would have to admit that it was ‘love at first sight’ for me. You struck me instantly with your platinum blonde hair and fancy self heading down the stairs at rehab when we first met. Thank God for the established boundaries that we abided by – keeping the intensity of ‘us’ at a pace we were both able to handle. Thank God we didn’t meet as teenagers. Surely we would have destroyed one another with the intensity.

Are we twins separated at birth? Were we married in previous lives? What is it that connected our hearts instantly that day on the stairs?

And what kept us connected even when we weren’t speaking to one another. Neither of us able to handle the level of love and anger that was sparked by the confusion of addiction and harm reduction.

You are so precious to me that there really aren’t words. Telling people that you are my ‘best friend’ seems so cheesy, so not even close to touching the level of our relationship. I am blessed with countless friends and special people in my life. Something is different with you though. And, I know, is different about you with your other friends too. I know full well that I am not the only one to love you from the start. Your heart, your intensity, your laughter, your smile, your grace and humility. You, my dear, you touch people in ways that not many have the ability to do.

And you do so effortlessly.

I can’t ignore the pain we have grown though either. You have seen me at my worst. I have seen you at your worst. We have picked one another up off of the floor, barely dressed, and helped one another walk again.

I so wish that I could be there with you right this moment, to hold you, to cry with you, to laugh with you, to feed you and pray with you.

You are the only person on this planet who fully and instantly understands me. You know how I feel, how I think, how I process the world around me. You are not afraid of my rage, my sadness, my grief, or my anything.

I remind myself regularly these days that I will have more access to you once you have died than I do now…

Health

The White Stuff

It really bums me out that I haven’t bothered to post anything since before the snow flew. And, here it is melting today, when I finally get around to addressing it. It’s not like winter is over though, not by a long shot I suppose. It is still February, in Minnesota for God’s sake. It certainly isn’t over.

One year, it snowed almost every day in March. That will likely make me cry if it happens again this year. My snow-shoveling muscles are tired and sore.

This was a tough one. Beautiful mostly. I mean, we didn’t really have that gross, dirty look much since it kept snowing, and snowing, and snowing this winter. The white stuff covered most everything more often than not, since November. November 13th to be exact. My parents drove up in a snow storm to visit me. We ended up with eleven inches of snow that day. It made the task of parking my camper extra challenging…

It was shocking, to say the least, to have that much snow so soon. It didn’t melt either. The temperatures started to drop and remain low, pretty much for the duration. We kept getting more snow. I think that following weekend, we had another snow storm adding 6-7 inches.

The news about the 12/11/10 Blizzard (that’s what I am calling it) spread all over the place. It started on Friday night, the 10th, and was still snowing into Sunday the 12th. But Saturday is what I remember most. I believe that twenty inches was the final toll by the end of that one storm. Twenty inches. Give or take, still, that is a fuck of a lot of snow. Seriously. Blinding snow everywhere. It shut the city down. And this city knows how to handle snow storms and blizzards. Not this one though. Bare in mind, that twenty inches was on top of an already ungodly amount for that time of year. The metrodome collapsed, trains and busses were stopped, firetrucks and ambulances weren’t able to get where they needed to go.

We have pretty much been buried in it since then.

More snow many more times coupled with well below freezing and oftentimes below zero temperatures, we have been buried in it.

Ever since the big blizzard, whenever it snows, I have to lift the shovel up, carry it, and throw the load of snow up over my head. There has not been anywhere else to put it, since November. The snow banks at one point were above the roof of my car. They were up to my shoulder. During the thick of it, it reminded me of being in a corn field – not being able to see anything but the path ahead of you.

We have been buried in it this year. White stuff everywhere.

Until this week. The temperatures have finally risen enough, for enough days in a row, that the snow is and has been melting, for days now. And, the crazy thing? There is still a ton of it! It is still tricky to see around most intersections, from the piled up “snow-crete” along the roads. I heard on the news yesterday or the day before that at least five inches had melted. I imagine that has doubled by now. We will survive this winter.

I know, I know, it isn’t spring yet, officially or unofficially. The temperatures will drop again here and there. It will snow again, likely more than once. But we are on the downhill slide. In fact, it is a bit of a slippery slope right now… I need to remind myself to walk and drive more carefully than ever. Spring is slippery. I need to remind myself that it is still winter. Who knows? Maybe I can even enjoy it now.

As long as it stays above zero… I can handle the white stuff in February 😉

Time to get outside for a real walk…