Monthly Archives: May 2010

Addiction_Harm Reduction

Instant Coffee

One of my “Facebook friends” updated her status this morning to “Instant Coffee”. I laughed, but not out loud. I read through the handful of comments, mildly amused by most and impressed by one. I wasn’t prepared for where my brain would go though. It does that, wonders off to memories. And then I attempt to write the story in my head.

Dr. Carrie tells me I need to write about happy things, funny things, more joyful experiences. I think she is on to something. I think, moving forward, I am able to manifest more and more joy in my life. I have been on that path for years and continue to make progress. But, the material I have to write about now tends to be on the tragic side. The stuff that bubbles to the surface each and every day is not all fun and games. I have witnessed and lived, a lot.

The thing is, I can make it funny. I can tell a tragically sad story in a way that my friends can laugh. I wonder if I can start to learn how to translate that story telling ability into the written form. I wonder if half of my successful “in person” story telling isn’t directly related to my facial expressions and hand gestures, my body language.

How can I communicate that?

I worry about discounting the tragedy with the humor. In person, I don’t worry. My friends know me. They know that I have already survived a story if I am sitting there telling them about it.

I am sitting here listening to Bitch’s newest album, Blasted. It is my latest addiction in the music world. I have played it nearly non-stop since her concert over a month ago. It is raining and chilly outside. I would say cold, but, come on now – it is above zero. I have vowed not to complain unless it is below zero. I am drinking coffee out of a Folgers cup. No, I am not kidding. “The best part of wakin’ up…” Normally I drink out of a cup from Hazelton, which makes me laugh. But, today, I picked the Folgers one.

Get to the story Wollner… I had been working as a Case Manager at Minnesota AIDS Project for less than a year. It was in the fall of 1998. I went on a home visit early in the morning. My client’s name was Randy. I was not looking forward to the visit. He was particularly challenging to work with. He was angry, all of the time. For years, his doctors, nurses, social workers, previous case managers, family and friends had been trying to intervene on his alcoholism. He was instantly furious and defensive if anyone dared mention his drinking. He did not have a problem.

My only expectation was to get to know him better, perhaps develop some more trust. I had only spoken to him over the phone thus far.

I got to his apartment at nine in the morning.

It was rigged. He showed me the booby traps he had set up around the perimeter of his apartment. I saw the doll hanging on the wall, the noose around its neck. He had been a rocket scientist, for real. My creep factor rose. I knew I needed to stay on his good side.

He offered me coffee. I had come prepared. I had my own water bottle with me. Thank God. He proceeded to get out a ‘ginormous’ coffee mug. Seriously. It was three times the size of a ‘normal, old school coffee cup’. He reached for what I soon recognized was a large bottle of vodka. He poured and poured, until the cup was dangerously full. Next, he scooped instant coffee into his vodka. He put the cup into the microwave for however many minutes it took to come out steaming hot. He situated himself at the kitchen table next to me.

He was in no way remotely capable of even considering that this sort of behavior might appear odd, at best, to someone else.

No clue.

It was the most precise example of how someone’s alcoholism can present itself I had witnessed in action.

Nine in the morning and more vodka than I would drink if I were seriously partying all night long.

Do you want some coffee? Are you serious?

No clue. He had no clue how alcohol was destroying his life. He would die of alcoholism, not AIDS. I mean, really. I suppose it could be argued that his AIDS diagnosis and symptoms and medications with such lovely side affects could have been, on some level, an excuse to continue to destroy his life with drinking. I suppose. But, really, which came first? I imagine his alcoholism had something to do with his HIV infection in the first place. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that we all get dealt shit we have to deal with. And we all have to figure out how to take care of ourselves one way or another. He was angry and abusive. He refused any help. He drank from morning until night.

I wish I could say that I somehow broke through with this one. I wish I could say that he eventually decreased or even stopped his drinking, got some good counseling, repaired his family relationships, made new friends, and had significant improvement in his health. Instead, he got more and more angry at the system and everyone involved. He eventually left threatening voicemail messages in the middle of the night, proclaiming he planned to blow up the building. He disappeared soon after that. I assume he has died by now. I sometimes think about him, like today, reading that status update, and fantasize that he moved away and got his shit together. He was sure smart. Unfortunately, he was also truly lost.

Seriously though, can you see it? Early in the morning? A skinny white man with dark hair, his frail, shaking hands lifting up a mug bigger than his face and sipping on his “instant coffee”. I still wonder, had I said yes to his offer, if he would have just made me a vodka instant coffee drink automatically too, or if he would have made mine with water.

Godspeed Randy.

Current stuff

Unemployment

I have been on unemployment now since later September 2009, eight months basically. I have heard it referred to as “funemployment”. I cannot say that I have this same sentiment. I would not call it fun. Do not get me wrong, I am completely and utterly grateful that I have had this source of income. I am also indebted to Obama for doing whatever it is that he did to allow me to get an extension.

This isn’t fun though. Survival yes, fun no.

I am, in no way, getting rich. I am, however, able to pay my mortgage, my utilities, and take care of my basic needs. I mean basic too. I don’t feel like I have enough breathing room to spend money on things like a dentist appointment or an eye exam for instance, even though I am well overdue for both of these. Having the breathing room to pay the basics is good, real good, and I am full aware that my situation is much better than a lot of other people.

The anxiety attached to not knowing what my next source of income will be for sure is a bit too much on any given day. My, as of yet, lack of confidence in my ability to ever have a ‘real’ job again is tricky on any given day too. I wonder if I am crazy thinking I can start and successfully run my own business and make a living doing what I love to do. I wonder if I need to give up, suck it up, and get a job again. As much as I hate working on someone else’s time and only doing things the way they are ‘supposed’ to be done, there is clearly something to be said for a regular pay check. If I am ever legitimately employed again, I will be even more grateful about that privilege.

The Access Works job nearly killed me, physically and emotionally. It continued to be a hurdle until this April when I mailed off the taxes for 2009. In fact, I thought I was done then. I changed my job status on my Facebook page. I changed my outgoing voicemail on my phone. I have felt a great deal of relief in this last month, feeling like I was finally done. I jumped the gun, again. I got a bill in the mail for a late fee, ironically, to the unemployment office. Seriously? If it were a bill for anything else, I would probably ignore it. I am supposed to be done with that job, that hasn’t paid me since last August. But, what happens if it somehow impacts me getting paid unemployment? I need to handle this situation, sooner rather than later. I am counting on the unemployment payments still.

I needed a break. I needed a break from life, from work, from working to save people’s lives. I have over twenty years now, amazing, of seriously difficult jobs that have taken their toll on me. It isn’t exactly like my personal life was free of ‘situations’ to handle either.

Without unemployment, I would have easily used up my savings by now. I am truly grateful. I will maintain faith that I will figure out what is next, that my needs will continue to be met and the answers will come. In the meantime, I am continuing to work on my health and sanity, regaining my confidence one day at a time and making progress…

Family/Friends

Ahhh, Mother’s Day…

I had a difficult time trying to decide on a status update for my Facebook account today. I was tempted to just say ‘happy mother’s day’ or ‘shout out to all of my mama friends’ or something along those lines. I couldn’t do it though. I was way too mindful of the fact that I have a number of friends whose mothers have died. It felt rude, on my part, to proclaim happiness on what is likely a rather painful and sad day. It reminded me of having to be careful about wishing someone Merry Christmas in the event that they may be Jewish or anything but Christian. At the same time, I didn’t really feel like mentioning dead mother’s in my wishes to my friends either.

It would have been easy to proclaim love towards my own mother. She barely does email though and isn’t anywhere near a Facebook page. It would be wasted words. I am so grateful for her presence in my life. There were certainly years that things were not cool, not one bit. There were a number of Mother’s Days that I sat and cried, unwilling to contact her and unable to reconcile our differences. This year, it was easy to pick up the phone and wish her well. I had remembered to send her a card too. I picked it out and mailed it a few days ago. It was a tad bit painful to hang out in Target and scan what felt like thousands of cards. I finally found one that simply had the word ‘love’ on the cover. I do love her. I am grateful for all that she has done for me. I am so happy that I can call her any given day and tell her what is going on and check in on her. It has only been in this last year or so too that I began to think about her dying before me. I have said many times that my best gift for my parents will be to outlive them. Hopefully, I will manage that. Hopefully too, I will have many more years before having that loss.

I need to be clear quickly that I don’t think there is anything wrong with the fact that some of my friends did post ‘happy mother’s day’ on their Facebook wall. I was able to read it and hear their good intentions.

I was just overwhelmed to some degree today with picking up on how the day potentially impacted any given friend of mine. Later on, I felt sad for one friend in particular who posted something along the lines of being willing to give anything if he could hug his mama today. I know of others though that didn’t post anything. I wonder if they had a difficult day.

I feel guilty that I didn’t call Christopher’s mom. It is too late at night now. I did think of her and send my love. I thought of a lot of my friends who are moms. I didn’t end up sending text messages or calling.

I think I was just a bit overwhelmed myself. I am overwhelmed in the good sense with the love I have with my mother and the relationship we have managed to develop. Beyond that though, being aware of the enormous loss that some have had with their mother’s death, and the tumultuous relationships that some of my friends still have with their mothers, it was just too much emotion for me to process today.

Oh, and I suppose the fact that I am involved with a mom now has changed things, enormously. I had already fallen in love with her well before realizing that the fact that she had a teenage daughter meant, in essence, that I am in the position of being a step-mom. And, if I can avoid the bigger topic any longer, can I just say that picking out a card for her was way trickier than I anticipated. I mean, the majority of the mother’s day cards say mom or mother or some variation. Nearly all of the rest say ‘to my wife’. Clearly, none of those would work. You would think that Hallmark or someone would recognize or assume that people just want to send a card to a friend even, if not a same-sex partner for crying out loud. Maybe not. I would have appreciated some more choices.

I don’t know what this whole step-mom title means yet, or is supposed to mean even. I was fortunate enough to have my bio-parents married, to this day still. I have never dated anyone with kids. I didn’t even really have close friends growing up with step-parents. My experience is limited. Once again, life has thrown me a curve ball. Good thing I enjoy a challenge.

Enough rambling… I love my mama and wish her the best every day. I am so very proud and grateful for all of my friends who are mamas and look forward to seeing their kids grow up. I wish for all of my friends who struggle with their relationships with their mamas, that they may feel their mother’s love despite the challenges. I am sending much love to all of my friends who have lost their mothers. Much love to all of my friends who have chosen to not have human children and, instead, treat their furry friends like kings and queens of the house.

Ahhh, mother’s day…